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Colbible
The Colbible is the currently incomplete bible of Stephenological Colbertism. So far, it only includes part of Genitaliasis, an obvious spoof of Genesis. The Colbible is a satire based on the Christian Bible to the point where it is practically a comical rewording of the King James Bible with noticeable changes. The words "God" or "Lord" are almost always replaced with "Stephen" or "Stephen Colbert," except for Genitaliasis 1:1 which states: "In the beginning Jon created The Daily Show with Jon Stewart." The Colbible is one of the pages of The Affiliated Churches of Stephenology and Colbertism. Stephenological Roots Though Stephenological Colbertism itself tends to try to be somewhat respectful of mainstream religion, which is evident such details as in its choice to clarify that the word jihad means "struggle" and not "holy war," the Colbible may be one of its most risque satirical decisions. Still, Stephenological Colbertism is not without other controversies. Its other controversial satire was to ban heterosexuality and suggest that everyone engage in three-way sex and orgies. Genitaliasis Genitaliasis is clearly a mixture of the words "Genesis" and "genitalia." The word "genitaliasis" itself is mentioned more than once in the text. Genitaliais 3:7 states: "And the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; actually, they always knew that they were naked, but now the woman realized that Adam West had wrinkly genitaliasis." Garden of Eden Genitaliasis begins with the story of creation, which seems to begin briefly with the creation of The Daily Show and then continue with the creation of The Colbert Report. The first part of Genitaliasis seems to follow the slow pace of the Bible and mention almost every line without skipping almost any lines nor passages. Afterwards, Genitaliasis moves at a quicker pace and skips certain lines to keep the reader interested and remove any unnecessary boring content. After the creation of earth comes the beginning of man. The man in this story is Adam West, the actor who played Batman in the 60s television series. The woman, whose name is not revealed at first, is Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives. The serpent in the story promises that the woman will get larger breasts and lose 30 pounds in several weeks if she eats the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. The couple eats from the tree, then Stephen comes to scold them. Adam West blames the fiasco on his wife, which causes Stephen and the woman to call Adam West some obscenities. The couple gets punished and are banished from the Garden of Eden. Noah Wiley's Ark Noah Wiley's Ark is a brief but important section of Genitaliasis. When Stephen sees that people have become wicked, he calls upon actor Noah Wiley of the television series ER to build an ark. He requests that Noah Wiley save all the animals and bring a few lesbians onto the ark. In the end, the actor saves the day. He also gets the lesbians drunk and repopulates the world. Noah Wiley's Descendents After this passage, the Colbible goes into a detailed list of the generations of the descendents of the lesbians and Noah Wiley. It includes everyone from Ash from Pokemon to Kirk Douglas to Tim Curry to Thomas the Tank Engine. There isn't much narrative here, just a long description of very random names which ends at Sean Connery and Derek Zoolander. The Tower of Babelfish Sean Connery and Derek Zoolander go to the plain in the land of Shania Twain to build a tower high enough to reach Angelina Jolie's undergarments. Seeing that the people have unified themselves in one language, The Lord Stephen Colbert decides to confound that language because he feels that everyone is smarter than Him, and that makes Him displeased. So the Lord Stephen goes through the labor of creating thousands of languages just so he can feel smarter. He names the tower Babelfish and scatters everyone all over the Earth so that he can get an ego boost. Future Passages There will be more passages and updates in the Colbible. Genitaliasis is only the beginning. Although it is doubtful that the entire Bible will be included, it is very likely that the Colbible will be expanded.